Cogito ergo sum.

Renee Descartes said 'I think therefore I am'.

I think that it sums up the person that I have become.. in all reality, I can't remember shit, and it isn't one of those haha jokes about 'Oh I have CRS disease, yeah, can't remember shit hahahaha'. No. Like actual neurological impairment to the point where the specialists agreed that my collegiate degree is crap because half of it is gone. Most of teh time. It comes back, on good days, when a good wind blows, in Asia, after a butterfly flaps it's wing 3 times, in teh light of a full moon. One of those things, you know? I spent 20 years working as a florist full or part time, and today I spent 10 minutes staring at a fucking flower in the front garden that *I* planted, because it's one of my favorites, and I couldn't remember the name. Not the scientific name (which I ALSO USED to know, as well as several varietal names) but the name. And I just now had to go down and look it up in a picture dictionary because I lost it again. Another 10 minutes. Hyacinth.  20 minutes wasted on Hyacinth. ARGH!!!

Knowledge defines me, the quest to learn is who I am... not just facts and tidbits but understanding, concepts, relationships between facts. It's what I live for, what I always have. I adore research. The quest to understand things turns me on. Literally- the receptors in my brain go wonky just learning things and it gives me a high- I can't imagine any better drug that figuring stuff out and making things click. Except maybe sex, but then, that's it's own learning experience when you find the one you love.. and a whole different story. Knowledge buzz versus orgasmic euphoria... But I digress.

The thing is, it still works, but then it's gone. I read the same passage two months ago, in preparation for novel I am struggling to write. I'm doing background research. I read it last year too. I understood it last year. I lost it. I read and understood it last month. Its gone again. I read and understood it again today, but I can guarantee that tomorrow it will be hazy and on teh way out again. I am slowly losing this knowlege and even things that were wrote memory, textx I could quote backwords and forwards without issue are suddenly just missing. But not always. Just most days. Memories are the same way.

Today at the grocery with my husbadn we went for lasagna noodles, gluten free of course, and I saw the little quinoa shells. Suddenly I remembered my mom's pasta salad from when I was a kid- hadn't been able to remember it in years.. I have seen those shells many times, seen the recipe, had other trigger memories, but not remembered the salad till today. Everything seems like that.

Interruped note- please pardon the typos- the tremors put my hands off today so my letters are getting backwords.

I started out wanting to write this entry about  existing for knowledge, but in all reality the truth is that the only constant in my life is that I can't forget the desire to learn, or the feeling that comes with it- that craving addiction to seek out something I don't know/understand and get it answered. Well- that and the blissful feeling of accomplishment and sated completion that comes from actually learning something, getting that *click* of comprehension when a puzzle piece falls in place. I suppose all I have done is whine a bit but I swear that wasn't the goal.. I think I derailed and got frustrated along teh way. But in the end, I am happy- because the whole thing leads me to the understanding that I am frustrated with it, and needed to vent- and its good to get it out, and understand yourself, and *zing* there comes that good feeling :)