Leaving.

Sitting in the dark
waiting for the shoe
that is bound to drop
heart pounding
pulse racing
streaks and trails
patterns of realization
that 50 or 60
will not be for me.
Could not be for me.
It is unjust
unfair, cruel
and yet i think
i would be happy.
granted more
in what I have
than most have dreamed
i dare not dream
for more.
but it pains me
to know that
i am first,
will be first
and I do not
want to go.