Renee Descartes said 'I think therefore I am'.
I think that it sums up the person that I have become.. in all reality, I can't remember shit, and it isn't one of those haha jokes about 'Oh I have CRS disease, yeah, can't remember shit hahahaha'. No. Like actual neurological impairment to the point where the specialists agreed that my collegiate degree is crap because half of it is gone. Most of teh time. It comes back, on good days, when a good wind blows, in Asia, after a butterfly flaps it's wing 3 times, in teh light of a full moon. One of those things, you know? I spent 20 years working as a florist full or part time, and today I spent 10 minutes staring at a fucking flower in the front garden that *I* planted, because it's one of my favorites, and I couldn't remember the name. Not the scientific name (which I ALSO USED to know, as well as several varietal names) but the name. And I just now had to go down and look it up in a picture dictionary because I lost it again. Another 10 minutes. Hyacinth. 20 minutes wasted on Hyacinth. ARGH!!!
Knowledge defines me, the quest to learn is who I am... not just facts and tidbits but understanding, concepts, relationships between facts. It's what I live for, what I always have. I adore research. The quest to understand things turns me on. Literally- the receptors in my brain go wonky just learning things and it gives me a high- I can't imagine any better drug that figuring stuff out and making things click. Except maybe sex, but then, that's it's own learning experience when you find the one you love.. and a whole different story. Knowledge buzz versus orgasmic euphoria... But I digress.
The thing is, it still works, but then it's gone. I read the same passage two months ago, in preparation for novel I am struggling to write. I'm doing background research. I read it last year too. I understood it last year. I lost it. I read and understood it last month. Its gone again. I read and understood it again today, but I can guarantee that tomorrow it will be hazy and on teh way out again. I am slowly losing this knowlege and even things that were wrote memory, textx I could quote backwords and forwards without issue are suddenly just missing. But not always. Just most days. Memories are the same way.
Today at the grocery with my husbadn we went for lasagna noodles, gluten free of course, and I saw the little quinoa shells. Suddenly I remembered my mom's pasta salad from when I was a kid- hadn't been able to remember it in years.. I have seen those shells many times, seen the recipe, had other trigger memories, but not remembered the salad till today. Everything seems like that.
Interruped note- please pardon the typos- the tremors put my hands off today so my letters are getting backwords.
I started out wanting to write this entry about existing for knowledge, but in all reality the truth is that the only constant in my life is that I can't forget the desire to learn, or the feeling that comes with it- that craving addiction to seek out something I don't know/understand and get it answered. Well- that and the blissful feeling of accomplishment and sated completion that comes from actually learning something, getting that *click* of comprehension when a puzzle piece falls in place. I suppose all I have done is whine a bit but I swear that wasn't the goal.. I think I derailed and got frustrated along teh way. But in the end, I am happy- because the whole thing leads me to the understanding that I am frustrated with it, and needed to vent- and its good to get it out, and understand yourself, and *zing* there comes that good feeling :)
Friday, March 16, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Handfasting... cord ceremony
I was reading a really fabulous short story recently and there was a bit about a handfasting/soul bonding ritual in it. It was told 3rd person perspective and so all the parts aren't quite there, so I am working with this to round it out, but so far, here is what I have.. will just keep editing teh post as I am able till I get it rounded out. Thanks much to Cheryl D for some of the wording and the concept and the whole idea really.. (write more woman!)
This ritual can be done as part of a traditional ceremony or a tantric ceremony or a renewal I would think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Beginning)
Partners make an ogham or runic or knotwork that is important to the couple on the palm of the hands to be joined. Each partner draws for the other- a man draws for his wife and she draws for him. They can select to have something unique drawn on them, or both the same. Then they place the left hand palm together with their beloved, to begin the bonding ceremony.
Are you fully cognizant of the meaning of the ceremony in which you are about to partake?
(both answer) I am.
Are you aware that the words spoken today shall create a bond between us that cannot be broken, save by death?
(both answer) I am.
Do you, therefore, seek to enter this bond of your own free will?
(both answer) I do.
I think partners taking alternate turns to wraps each cord around their joined wrists would work best so that the dialogue is shared. Working on finishing out the dialogue and colors and so forth.. The other option is to each hold one end and bind it round while speaking together.
(Gold cord) By this cord do I bind our spirits as one. May our lives be blessed with the virile energy of the sun, and our unity overseen by the powers of light. By this cord do I add my energy to yours.”
(Silver cord) By this cord to I bind our spirits as one. May our lives be blessed with the purity of the moon, and with the creativity and love symbolized by its silvery light. By this cord do I add my love to yours.
(Black cord) By this cord do I bind our spirits as one. May it grant us the wisdom to overcome negativity and banish evil. By this cord do I add my wisdom to yours.
green (May it grant us luck and success)
blue (May it grant us patience and tranquility—Draco nearly laughed aloud at that one, and Harry gave him a warning glare, although his lips twitched); and finally
red (May it infuse us with strength and passion for the rest of our days).
The knots of this binding are formed by the vows we have spoken, and shall not be severed even after the cords are removed
By this final symbol, I join myself to you,__________________.
Mind to mind, heart to heart, hand to hand, soul to soul, I bind myself to you with this.
(exchange 1st ring)
By this final symbol, I join myself to you,__________________.
Mind to mind, heart to heart, hand to hand, soul to soul, I bind myself to you with this.
(exchange 2nd ring)
So mote it be
(seal with a ceremonial kiss)
This ritual can be done as part of a traditional ceremony or a tantric ceremony or a renewal I would think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Beginning)
Partners make an ogham or runic or knotwork that is important to the couple on the palm of the hands to be joined. Each partner draws for the other- a man draws for his wife and she draws for him. They can select to have something unique drawn on them, or both the same. Then they place the left hand palm together with their beloved, to begin the bonding ceremony.
Are you fully cognizant of the meaning of the ceremony in which you are about to partake?
(both answer) I am.
Are you aware that the words spoken today shall create a bond between us that cannot be broken, save by death?
(both answer) I am.
Do you, therefore, seek to enter this bond of your own free will?
(both answer) I do.
I think partners taking alternate turns to wraps each cord around their joined wrists would work best so that the dialogue is shared. Working on finishing out the dialogue and colors and so forth.. The other option is to each hold one end and bind it round while speaking together.
(Gold cord) By this cord do I bind our spirits as one. May our lives be blessed with the virile energy of the sun, and our unity overseen by the powers of light. By this cord do I add my energy to yours.”
(Silver cord) By this cord to I bind our spirits as one. May our lives be blessed with the purity of the moon, and with the creativity and love symbolized by its silvery light. By this cord do I add my love to yours.
(Black cord) By this cord do I bind our spirits as one. May it grant us the wisdom to overcome negativity and banish evil. By this cord do I add my wisdom to yours.
green (May it grant us luck and success)
blue (May it grant us patience and tranquility—Draco nearly laughed aloud at that one, and Harry gave him a warning glare, although his lips twitched); and finally
red (May it infuse us with strength and passion for the rest of our days).
The knots of this binding are formed by the vows we have spoken, and shall not be severed even after the cords are removed
By this final symbol, I join myself to you,__________________.
Mind to mind, heart to heart, hand to hand, soul to soul, I bind myself to you with this.
(exchange 1st ring)
By this final symbol, I join myself to you,__________________.
Mind to mind, heart to heart, hand to hand, soul to soul, I bind myself to you with this.
(exchange 2nd ring)
So mote it be
(seal with a ceremonial kiss)
Got no titles, insomnia sucked out my brains. OR Minor dissertation on Harry potter Psyche types in real life situations
Okay boys, girls and homo reptilians, it's time for nobodies' favorite blog, this one *chuckle* I suppose it's more like my late night, can't sleep, expound upon what is in my big old head before it flits elsewhere, yeah? Beware, there is cursing. Um. Fuck yeah. Mostly just because I am tired and my brain is trying to shut down but is currently in blue screen mode (so yeah, not cool) but cannot yet shut down OR reboot.
Onwards. Manythings. But this one has been there a while.
I get picked on for being a drarry fan.. mostly by my kids.. and yes you probably say, ewww old enough to have kids (not that old really, thank you), but I rather like the older fics where they are late 20s and 30's and build on the whole jungle of character growth set before them in Rowling's books, and then some. Sometimes with the epilogues, usually without. But here is why: I see myself in Draco, a LOT. And I see my husband in Harry a LOT. Yes, I realize Daniel Radcliffe has a nice ass, and so does my dear dh but that is about where the similarities end there.. I mean character wise. And not on the base levels of he had money, or he had fame, but of the dynamics in the households..
So here goes.. at least in my head.
Draco grew up in a household where the dad was a controlling, manipulative follower (interesting juxtaposition that), who was obsessed by madness (in this case in the form of the Dark Lord). That pretty much has my father in one there- only the madness is his own... There are so many parallels between the character that is Lucius and the man that is my father- Voldemort was a madness unto his own, my father's madness is in his own head, and he makes himself forget its there when he wants (convenient, eh, self- obliviation of that manic-depressive disorder and bipolar and anger/violence issues) Syrup drips from their lips when they want it to, but they are absolutely vindictive and cutting with their words when they choose to be. They can offer up their families to evil bits and think its a good thing. They can twist and warp the truth of the world to what they see it to be. They can physically and mentally torture with the best of them. Minor differences- cane and wand versus belts and switches. You say potato, I say, oh wait, potato.
I think my husband is much like Harry- he got the good initial start in life- I won't say that his parents are James and Lily- but they are good working class honest people, who taught him well. And he is a hell of a man. He showed up as my hero from day one, always rushing in to save me, always brave, always figuring out the next adventure- and believe me they never end- seven books has NOTHING on us.. He always pulls it out at the last minute, figuring out a solution or finding an answer or saving my day. Though I think he's got Hermione's brains and maybe Snape's wit, but that's neither here nor there. The POINT is, that he is that indelible character in my life, that always wins, always figures the clues out, and still has the biggest heart and soul at the end of the day. He's like.. true love (I know another reference, but it bears mention.. ) not even death can stop him.
No final battles here though, just good old hubby (and sometimes the in laws) kickin' some ass and saying enough, get out of my house, leave my family alone, which in my mind, really, is equivalent to a nice fat expelliarmus. Doesn't hurt to throw in a restraining order or two- not as savvy as a ward, but it works better than a poke in the eye.
I think maybe the reason I like to read this stuff is that they wind up okay in the end- the death, destruction, torture, pain, everything they see and live through, in the end they wind up coming through it and surviving. I tend to pick out the stories that pitt them together as eventual friends, or companions, because in the end, that's what everyone wants I think- all the crap burned away from us, the chaff gone, cleansed, and to have the hero standing there offering us maybe not the hand up but a hand in friendship in the aftermath. Someone to say, I get it, after the fit has all hit the shan, the chips have fallen, and the cleanup is underway.
In the end I guess that means no matter how many times I have fucked things up, how much my father has jacked EVERYONE's lives up and how much pain he's wrought just because he's an asshat and can make the hero give up. None of that cane take away the inevitable ending that the hero (that would be dh, because he is fabulousness on two legs) and the miserable un-hero (that's me, because I am surely nowhere near a hero) wind up in some kind of balance that leaves the hero happier in the end, and the un-hero, much better knowing the hero- happy, but redeemed. And not just Ah, shake hands, move on, teeny bopper fan child happy happy fiction endings sort of things.. but adult, I-am-really-putting-effort-in-thing-for-the-long-haul kind of things. REAL things, not Hollywood. Or Scholastic, or whatever.
Now then, that my brain has properly deflated somewhat, I am going to go have naughty dreams, and not think about this particular train of thought any longer. Vanquished are you, train of thought.. choo-chooooooooooo.
Ha. I'm funny when I'm sleep deprived.... okay, not really.
Onwards. Manythings. But this one has been there a while.
I get picked on for being a drarry fan.. mostly by my kids.. and yes you probably say, ewww old enough to have kids (not that old really, thank you), but I rather like the older fics where they are late 20s and 30's and build on the whole jungle of character growth set before them in Rowling's books, and then some. Sometimes with the epilogues, usually without. But here is why: I see myself in Draco, a LOT. And I see my husband in Harry a LOT. Yes, I realize Daniel Radcliffe has a nice ass, and so does my dear dh but that is about where the similarities end there.. I mean character wise. And not on the base levels of he had money, or he had fame, but of the dynamics in the households..
So here goes.. at least in my head.
Draco grew up in a household where the dad was a controlling, manipulative follower (interesting juxtaposition that), who was obsessed by madness (in this case in the form of the Dark Lord). That pretty much has my father in one there- only the madness is his own... There are so many parallels between the character that is Lucius and the man that is my father- Voldemort was a madness unto his own, my father's madness is in his own head, and he makes himself forget its there when he wants (convenient, eh, self- obliviation of that manic-depressive disorder and bipolar and anger/violence issues) Syrup drips from their lips when they want it to, but they are absolutely vindictive and cutting with their words when they choose to be. They can offer up their families to evil bits and think its a good thing. They can twist and warp the truth of the world to what they see it to be. They can physically and mentally torture with the best of them. Minor differences- cane and wand versus belts and switches. You say potato, I say, oh wait, potato.
I think my husband is much like Harry- he got the good initial start in life- I won't say that his parents are James and Lily- but they are good working class honest people, who taught him well. And he is a hell of a man. He showed up as my hero from day one, always rushing in to save me, always brave, always figuring out the next adventure- and believe me they never end- seven books has NOTHING on us.. He always pulls it out at the last minute, figuring out a solution or finding an answer or saving my day. Though I think he's got Hermione's brains and maybe Snape's wit, but that's neither here nor there. The POINT is, that he is that indelible character in my life, that always wins, always figures the clues out, and still has the biggest heart and soul at the end of the day. He's like.. true love (I know another reference, but it bears mention.. ) not even death can stop him.
No final battles here though, just good old hubby (and sometimes the in laws) kickin' some ass and saying enough, get out of my house, leave my family alone, which in my mind, really, is equivalent to a nice fat expelliarmus. Doesn't hurt to throw in a restraining order or two- not as savvy as a ward, but it works better than a poke in the eye.
I think maybe the reason I like to read this stuff is that they wind up okay in the end- the death, destruction, torture, pain, everything they see and live through, in the end they wind up coming through it and surviving. I tend to pick out the stories that pitt them together as eventual friends, or companions, because in the end, that's what everyone wants I think- all the crap burned away from us, the chaff gone, cleansed, and to have the hero standing there offering us maybe not the hand up but a hand in friendship in the aftermath. Someone to say, I get it, after the fit has all hit the shan, the chips have fallen, and the cleanup is underway.
In the end I guess that means no matter how many times I have fucked things up, how much my father has jacked EVERYONE's lives up and how much pain he's wrought just because he's an asshat and can make the hero give up. None of that cane take away the inevitable ending that the hero (that would be dh, because he is fabulousness on two legs) and the miserable un-hero (that's me, because I am surely nowhere near a hero) wind up in some kind of balance that leaves the hero happier in the end, and the un-hero, much better knowing the hero- happy, but redeemed. And not just Ah, shake hands, move on, teeny bopper fan child happy happy fiction endings sort of things.. but adult, I-am-really-putting-effort-in-thing-for-the-long-haul kind of things. REAL things, not Hollywood. Or Scholastic, or whatever.
Now then, that my brain has properly deflated somewhat, I am going to go have naughty dreams, and not think about this particular train of thought any longer. Vanquished are you, train of thought.. choo-chooooooooooo.
Ha. I'm funny when I'm sleep deprived.... okay, not really.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Of Harry Potter... and things.
My kids love video games and serial stories and fan fictions that go along with them. I do too.. well.. more the serial stories and anime and fan fictions that follow. I think that in such things we identify with characters that we are like, who become so much more that we are, who become maybe even more than we aspire to be.
I like reading Harry Potter fan fiction personally.. can't get enough. And my girls tease me- I love reading Harry Draco pairings, usually where they get married off to good wives, have kids, families, live well, and then come their 30's they have a revelation that says 'hey, we are too grown up to hate like school boys' It usually involves a romeo and Juliet style relationship between two or their kids, and they have to figure out how not to be assholes (pardon the term, but it suites.) And they wind up being friends. I really like seeing people grow up and figure out how to be friends.
But the one person who has all my attention in the story, who I feel the most like, is Neville Longbottom. He is such a mess most of the time, forgets everything, flounders around, gets picked on, is a little butterball growing up, and just out of place. I don't even have to imagine ANY of that, it was so me. Still is a lot of days. But he falls into a passionate love affair with botany (again, I get that.) He is loyal and giving and faithful and when the screws are turned he works so hard to be strong. He is brave and true, he gives so much of himself and is shocked when he gets any reward or notice for it. He sets up the final kill perfectly, and without him victory wouldn't be possible. But he isn't really the victor..
He grows up to marry and have kids and live quietly, and do quietly and be quietly and just exist really. That's how it seems.. and maybe that's how I identify. I'm not the one who makes the bucks or does the amazing things or faces the demons, but I support the man who does. I can be burned and tortured and thrown into horrid situations over and over again and still I won't break and I won't yield because if I do then my hero might not make it through, and that is unacceptable. So I stand, quietly, loyally, patiently, supporting, living, doing what I can, unnoticed most of the time, but I don't mind. It's not about the recognition, it's about the result- and THAT is heroic.
I think that at this moment the greatest thing I can think to do is thank my hero, for being who he is, for giving me the desire to be who I am for him. And no, he doesn't dictate who I am, so read it like this- he inspires me to be more, do more, and feel more. He gave me more of his own free will, and in return I want to give more back, not because I HAVE to but because I WANT to. I think that is the beauty of a real partnership- he helps me want to be a better person for myself, and for him, because if I am better we work together better and can do so much more together. And that is a truly beautiful thing.
I like reading Harry Potter fan fiction personally.. can't get enough. And my girls tease me- I love reading Harry Draco pairings, usually where they get married off to good wives, have kids, families, live well, and then come their 30's they have a revelation that says 'hey, we are too grown up to hate like school boys' It usually involves a romeo and Juliet style relationship between two or their kids, and they have to figure out how not to be assholes (pardon the term, but it suites.) And they wind up being friends. I really like seeing people grow up and figure out how to be friends.
But the one person who has all my attention in the story, who I feel the most like, is Neville Longbottom. He is such a mess most of the time, forgets everything, flounders around, gets picked on, is a little butterball growing up, and just out of place. I don't even have to imagine ANY of that, it was so me. Still is a lot of days. But he falls into a passionate love affair with botany (again, I get that.) He is loyal and giving and faithful and when the screws are turned he works so hard to be strong. He is brave and true, he gives so much of himself and is shocked when he gets any reward or notice for it. He sets up the final kill perfectly, and without him victory wouldn't be possible. But he isn't really the victor..
He grows up to marry and have kids and live quietly, and do quietly and be quietly and just exist really. That's how it seems.. and maybe that's how I identify. I'm not the one who makes the bucks or does the amazing things or faces the demons, but I support the man who does. I can be burned and tortured and thrown into horrid situations over and over again and still I won't break and I won't yield because if I do then my hero might not make it through, and that is unacceptable. So I stand, quietly, loyally, patiently, supporting, living, doing what I can, unnoticed most of the time, but I don't mind. It's not about the recognition, it's about the result- and THAT is heroic.
I think that at this moment the greatest thing I can think to do is thank my hero, for being who he is, for giving me the desire to be who I am for him. And no, he doesn't dictate who I am, so read it like this- he inspires me to be more, do more, and feel more. He gave me more of his own free will, and in return I want to give more back, not because I HAVE to but because I WANT to. I think that is the beauty of a real partnership- he helps me want to be a better person for myself, and for him, because if I am better we work together better and can do so much more together. And that is a truly beautiful thing.
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