I think that drama must follow me wherever I go, whether I like it or not. I would rather it take a hike, really, I am so sick of it. Even when I do nothing, I get blamed for doing something wrong.. so I think form now on I give up, no more friends, no more helping, no more, no more, no more. Got it lady- you were the final straw. Broke the camels back and all.
I had never given it much though before, but there is a big segment of military wives who refuse to associate with other military wives because they see an increased penchant for lying, drama, fights, and upset in general. I have said repeatedly, I am NOT one of those who thinks like that, no, people are people, right? I always thought people were people.
I stand corrected, I think. I don't recall this much drama in my life when I affiliated with only collegiate people, so maybe that's where the difference is. Maybe its the age. Maybe it's that some military and contractor's spouses are here and they are gone and for some of those left home there is a need to dredge up something to do, and then pawn it off on someone else and try to make them feel like shit. Or maybe it's just that I am making friends more with women now, when I used to make more male friends.. Or maybe I am just too big a target- too nice now, too willing to help and mother hen and give. I think perhaps I must look like I have a big bullseye that says 'abuse my trust, treat me like you own me, and like crap at that'... Really, pish off, please. I am nice and it gets me bitten in the heiney. I offer to help and it gets me taken advantage of. DO the right thing, no, that means ostracized. Defend yourself? Heavens no! Why would I want to do that whenI can cow-tow and grovel and act like a simpering ass. Whatever. Log this complaint as you will and stuff it up a tailpipe. With a potato. Butt-a-boom.
I think I will become a hermit.. with maybe a few friends. Very few. Yes, I think thats what I will do.. how you ask? hermits don't have friends... right? Ha! Let me leave you with this quote..
The Doctor: I'm a bit of a hermit really.
The Professor: A hermit with friends?
The Doctor: Mmm. Hermits United. We get together every 10 years and swap stories about caves. It's good fun. For a hermit.
Doctor WHO for the win. Boo-yah.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Little old Stepford me.. *snicker*
I was sitting here trying to do the budget for the next month or two, figuring in the extras like the new vehicle registrations coming up, the birthday presents, and other things I know will pop up. Then it occurred to me that I ought to really just update the master annual list.. yes, I have one. So I pulled that out.. yes, I have a MASTER LIST for holidays and gifts and things. I am one of those. I have boxes and organization going that I try my best to stick with for all these events. I keep spares on hand for those "whoops mom, I forgot to tell you bbuuuutttt....'.
Thing is, I got to really thinking about some of it- about how I have been married for a lot of years, about how dh and I don't fight, about how I justify some things ( like placing myself second to care for my family, when reasonably I know that a better mom means better for everyone so hold the lecture there , John-boy. ), and a great many other bit and bobs to my life. Really, if I could keep on top of a spotless house, I might have a better shot for Stepford Wife.. sort of.
Thing is, I got to really thinking about some of it- about how I have been married for a lot of years, about how dh and I don't fight, about how I justify some things ( like placing myself second to care for my family, when reasonably I know that a better mom means better for everyone so hold the lecture there , John-boy. ), and a great many other bit and bobs to my life. Really, if I could keep on top of a spotless house, I might have a better shot for Stepford Wife.. sort of.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Black Forest Cake Recipe (w Mascarpone)
Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte
Serves 8 to 12
Chocolate sponge
2/3 cup cake flour
1/4 cup Dutch-process cocoa powder
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 teaspoon vanilla
4 large eggs, room temperature, separated
3/4 cup sugar, divided
1/4 teaspoon salt
Cherry compote
1 (approx. 24-ounce) jar sour (Morello) cherries in light syrup, drained, syrup reserved
1/4 cup sugar
1 tablespoon cornstarch
Frosting
1/3 cup sugar
1 cup mascarpone cheese, cold
2 cups heavy cream, cold
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
4 tablespoons kirschwasser, divided
1 ounce dark chocolate, shaved with a knife
* For an alcohol-free cake, substitute sour cherry juice for the kirschwasser.
To make the sponge: Place a rack in the center of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees. Line the bottom of a 9-inch springform pan with a round of buttered parchment paper.
1. Sift the flour and cocoa together into a small bowl. In another bowl combine the milk, oil and vanilla. In a large bowl, beat the egg yolks and half the sugar together until thick and lemon-colored, about 7 minutes. Using clean beaters, in a separate bowl whip the egg whites, remaining sugar and salt until they form stiff peaks. Gently fold the egg whites into the yolk mixture.
2. Sift half the flour mixture over the eggs and fold in until no dry patches remain. Repeat with the remaining flour mixture. Whisk a large spoonful of the batter into the milk mixture to lighten, then gently fold this back into the batter.
3. Pour the batter into the pan and smooth the top. Bake until a tester inserted into the middle comes out clean, about 30 minutes. Cool on a rack for 5 minutes, then run a knife around the edge of the cake and remove from the pan. Cool completely, then split horizontally into two even layers.
To make the compote: Set aside 12 cherries and 2 tablespoons of the cherry syrup. Boil remaining syrup until reduced to 1/2 cup. Add the remaining cherries and sugar, and simmer gently 10 minutes more. Stir reserved syrup and cornstarch together until smooth, then stir into cherries. Bring back to a boil and cook, stirring, until thick. Cool completely.
To assemble the torte: Beat the sugar, mascarpone, cream and vanilla together until stiff. Place the bottom cake layer on a platter and sprinkle with 2 tablespoons kirschwasser. Spread the cherry compote evenly on top followed by about ¼ of the whipped cream. Place the second sponge layer on top, cut side up, and sprinkle with the remaining kirschwasser. Frost the top and sides of the cake with the remaining cream. If desired, reserve about a cup for decoration, and using a pastry bag fitted with the star tip, pipe 12 rosettes around the cake's edge. Top each with a reserved cherry and sprinkle chocolate shavings in the center.
Chill at least two hours before serving.
(This came from a seattle writer, but gosh if I can find her name again... urgh!! if you can find it, let me know so I can credit her.. )
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Well now, THAT was interesting.
I was at the grocery, getting lunch stuff for dh. Basic task, and one of the ladies working at the grocery made a comment about the things I was getting at the meat counter, and it was an off hand joke, I know she meant in jest, but what she said was 'Well I guess we gotta give em something decent sometimes, eh?'. I know she was referring to dh and to her own husband most likely, and I was ready to rip open a great tongue lashing!That was just rude!
This is the thing.. It's NOT funny to crack jokes or complain about spouses being gone, their being here being a pain in the butt, etc. It just isn't. My love isn't some second rate citizen, who only gets a decent lunch when I feel like it- if he needs a lunch made, I will make it the best I can. If he needs something done, I will take care of it for him.. the way that he works his butt off the best he can for our family. We are a team, working together to make our family succeed.. I will celebrate every day he is home with me, and bear through the days that he must be gone. That's what it is really- bearing it through... I'm frazzled with those who insinuate that the guys should deploy more, or that it's a hassle to have them home. I don't like it when people act like it's putting them out, if you didn't want a spouse to come home to you should have stayed single.. really.
OKay.. end rant I guess. Just tired of people bashing spouses like that- I hear it everywhere, and that is just lame. Ugh. So in honor of the greatness of my own spouse, I am gonna go cuddle up next to him, and enjoy that he is right here.. and should he read this.. should you read this hon, you totally rock. Greatest guy ever!!
This is the thing.. It's NOT funny to crack jokes or complain about spouses being gone, their being here being a pain in the butt, etc. It just isn't. My love isn't some second rate citizen, who only gets a decent lunch when I feel like it- if he needs a lunch made, I will make it the best I can. If he needs something done, I will take care of it for him.. the way that he works his butt off the best he can for our family. We are a team, working together to make our family succeed.. I will celebrate every day he is home with me, and bear through the days that he must be gone. That's what it is really- bearing it through... I'm frazzled with those who insinuate that the guys should deploy more, or that it's a hassle to have them home. I don't like it when people act like it's putting them out, if you didn't want a spouse to come home to you should have stayed single.. really.
OKay.. end rant I guess. Just tired of people bashing spouses like that- I hear it everywhere, and that is just lame. Ugh. So in honor of the greatness of my own spouse, I am gonna go cuddle up next to him, and enjoy that he is right here.. and should he read this.. should you read this hon, you totally rock. Greatest guy ever!!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Fairy Cookie Recipe
Found this online and modified it a bit..
Fairy Cookie Recipe
2 stick butter (real butter not margarine)
1 c powdered sugar
1 T real vanilla
2 T rosewater (see recipe below- I used macerated rose petals in mine)
1 1/2 c flour (or flour alternative, which is what I usually use)
1/4 t almond extract (optional)
slivered almonds (optional)
whole rose petals, candied rose or borage petals (optional)
Blend butter and powdered sugar till creamy. Add rose water, vanilla, almond extract. Then slowly add flour. May need a little extra flour, dough should be stiff but not rocklike. Spoon into small balls onto a cookie sheet and bake till slightly golden at 350 degrees.
Rose Water:
1/2 C Hot water (tea water)
petals from 1 rose or 3-4 sm roses (fresh from the garden)
Steep 1/2 hour. Strain. There you have it.
I mash up the petals in mine though, so I have bits of petally goodness, and use that in my cookies.. I also tend to use roses I grow organically myself, and those that are particularly fragrant.
Cheers!
Oh! For those who are looking for magikal properties: These cookies tend to carry purification, healing and protection.. excellent for lunches for those we love and can't be with :)
Fairy Cookie Recipe
2 stick butter (real butter not margarine)
1 c powdered sugar
1 T real vanilla
2 T rosewater (see recipe below- I used macerated rose petals in mine)
1 1/2 c flour (or flour alternative, which is what I usually use)
1/4 t almond extract (optional)
slivered almonds (optional)
whole rose petals, candied rose or borage petals (optional)
Blend butter and powdered sugar till creamy. Add rose water, vanilla, almond extract. Then slowly add flour. May need a little extra flour, dough should be stiff but not rocklike. Spoon into small balls onto a cookie sheet and bake till slightly golden at 350 degrees.
Rose Water:
1/2 C Hot water (tea water)
petals from 1 rose or 3-4 sm roses (fresh from the garden)
Steep 1/2 hour. Strain. There you have it.
I mash up the petals in mine though, so I have bits of petally goodness, and use that in my cookies.. I also tend to use roses I grow organically myself, and those that are particularly fragrant.
Cheers!
Oh! For those who are looking for magikal properties: These cookies tend to carry purification, healing and protection.. excellent for lunches for those we love and can't be with :)
Monday, July 16, 2012
Again.
Gosh.. seems like the writing spirit has struck.. dunno if that's good or bad, but it is what it is. So here we go.. think this is the beginning of another creative streak. And believe me when I say it's the beginning.. for each one I post here there are like 10 more cluttering up notebooks at home. *sigh* Someday I might be famous, right? Probably posthumously, so eh, I was neeeeever appreciated. Leave a little love, tell me how messed up I am or how brilliant this is or just say wow. Feed the artist. Please.
Again.
Sitting in the dark
wishing it were later
thinking you should be gone
wishing you were elsewhere.
I don't know you,
I don't want to.
I'm not sure why
I thought I did.
Big heart, sleeve, me,
some combination I suppose
and it always gets
me into trouble.
Again.
This isn't the first time,
it won't be the last
I'm sure.
How do I save face
and walk away
and recluse into myself
again?
I keep reaching out,
part of the frail
human condition
thrust upon us,
wishing I could
thrust it back,
leave it alone,
I have enough
of those I want,
I think, for now.
I just want stasis,
to be a status quo
again.
One can hope
that the situation
will resolve
and you will
stalk away
somewhere else
look for someone else
and I can be alone
in my own small world
sheltered, and obtuse
the way I should be,
once again.
Again.
Sitting in the dark
wishing it were later
thinking you should be gone
wishing you were elsewhere.
I don't know you,
I don't want to.
I'm not sure why
I thought I did.
Big heart, sleeve, me,
some combination I suppose
and it always gets
me into trouble.
Again.
This isn't the first time,
it won't be the last
I'm sure.
How do I save face
and walk away
and recluse into myself
again?
I keep reaching out,
part of the frail
human condition
thrust upon us,
wishing I could
thrust it back,
leave it alone,
I have enough
of those I want,
I think, for now.
I just want stasis,
to be a status quo
again.
One can hope
that the situation
will resolve
and you will
stalk away
somewhere else
look for someone else
and I can be alone
in my own small world
sheltered, and obtuse
the way I should be,
once again.
Running.
I write in tongues
subjected to the faith
of faithless zealots
hurtling towards
the ramparts of a shining
sea of endless flames
of solidarity.
There is no justification
in the spew of venom
that surrounds us,
no reason to be lax.
And yet we stand,
unable to depart
and walk away,
berated for our own
inborn beliefs.
It drives the wilted
into seclusion,
hermitage a last resort
for mothers and children alike.
We run from hate
to make a stand
and face the rage
perpetuated by
mindless lemmings.
Why do we shed tears
hot and salty, painful,
for those who drive the knife
the deepest into the wound?
Perhaps because
the will never understand,
or perhaps we weep
in tired desperation,
knowing what we
cannot ever change.
KC
subjected to the faith
of faithless zealots
hurtling towards
the ramparts of a shining
sea of endless flames
of solidarity.
There is no justification
in the spew of venom
that surrounds us,
no reason to be lax.
And yet we stand,
unable to depart
and walk away,
berated for our own
inborn beliefs.
It drives the wilted
into seclusion,
hermitage a last resort
for mothers and children alike.
We run from hate
to make a stand
and face the rage
perpetuated by
mindless lemmings.
Why do we shed tears
hot and salty, painful,
for those who drive the knife
the deepest into the wound?
Perhaps because
the will never understand,
or perhaps we weep
in tired desperation,
knowing what we
cannot ever change.
KC
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Embark upon the quest of new coupons!
I am so tickled that there is going to be a coupon swap at the local community center.. you must have base access, of course, but, this is going to be really handy!! I love the idea of being able to share with those around me in person- not just by mail.
I'd like to take a moment to shout out my thanks to Rachel who deserves great accolade for putting together so many cool things there at the community center! Great Job!! You rock!!!
I thought too that this might be a good place to link up the places that I find some of my own savings, just in case anyone ever wants to know. I can just say- eh, check out the blog (like that sounds so smooth LOL)
1. Check out the commissary entryway for coupons. Usually the shelves are there if not cleaned out. If there are coupons there, PLEASE leave some for others.. don't be greedy.
2. Sunday paper inserts for coupons.
3. Email your companies! Tell them you loved, hated, want to try their products.. the response usually comes with a coupon.
4. Look on your purchases- I got TV diners that all had 20 bucks in coupons when people just grabbing randomly wound up with blank ones.
5. Swap with friends
6.Print offline
7.All You Magazine (through Wal Mart, but coupons usable anywhere)
8. REMEMBER!! COUPONS ARE JUST ONE WAY!! Try also loyalty cards! Military discounts, teacher discounts, etc.
I'd like to take a moment to shout out my thanks to Rachel who deserves great accolade for putting together so many cool things there at the community center! Great Job!! You rock!!!
I thought too that this might be a good place to link up the places that I find some of my own savings, just in case anyone ever wants to know. I can just say- eh, check out the blog (like that sounds so smooth LOL)
1. Check out the commissary entryway for coupons. Usually the shelves are there if not cleaned out. If there are coupons there, PLEASE leave some for others.. don't be greedy.
2. Sunday paper inserts for coupons.
3. Email your companies! Tell them you loved, hated, want to try their products.. the response usually comes with a coupon.
4. Look on your purchases- I got TV diners that all had 20 bucks in coupons when people just grabbing randomly wound up with blank ones.
5. Swap with friends
6.Print offline
7.All You Magazine (through Wal Mart, but coupons usable anywhere)
8. REMEMBER!! COUPONS ARE JUST ONE WAY!! Try also loyalty cards! Military discounts, teacher discounts, etc.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Arrrrrr... I be Calico Mary Bonney.. go me. heheheheheheheh...
part of the fidius.org network
My pirate name is:
Calico Mary Bonney
Often indecisive, you can't even choose a favorite color. You're apt to follow wherever the wind blows you, just like Calico Jack Rackham, your namesake. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!
Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.part of the fidius.org network
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Celebration of.. an appliance.
It is the small things that make us happy in life, n'est-ce pas?
They came to the house today (maintenance that is) and had a list of like 12 things, and one of them was the oven, which has been out of order for a couple weeks. They had to order a part, and we had to sit and wait for it to come in, and then for the appointment to have it installed. I never thought that I would be so thankful for something as simple as a working oven. But the truth is the simpler the gift, the better it is.
I would rather have a small, simple thought than something extravagant and overwhelming. It makes me feel better that I get something I know I can really use- in this case, an oven that works to make pizza when my crew is hungry and hollering for pizza! What can be better than that?
Simple gifts.. I think there is a higher power looking out for me today..
May she watch out for us all tonight, this week..
Blessed Be all..
They came to the house today (maintenance that is) and had a list of like 12 things, and one of them was the oven, which has been out of order for a couple weeks. They had to order a part, and we had to sit and wait for it to come in, and then for the appointment to have it installed. I never thought that I would be so thankful for something as simple as a working oven. But the truth is the simpler the gift, the better it is.
I would rather have a small, simple thought than something extravagant and overwhelming. It makes me feel better that I get something I know I can really use- in this case, an oven that works to make pizza when my crew is hungry and hollering for pizza! What can be better than that?
Simple gifts.. I think there is a higher power looking out for me today..
May she watch out for us all tonight, this week..
Blessed Be all..
Silly Menopause.
I am not a shy person by any means, at least not any longer. I used to be, if you can believe that. A blushing violet and all that rot. After having three kids, it's definitely NOT in the cards to be that way for me any more.. and so, I introduce the topic of early menopause, maybe it should be called medical menopause, who knows, but there you have it, or rather, here *I* have it LOL
I had a hysterectomy done in February of this year, which left me with one confused ovary, which seems to not understand what it's job is. Somedays it works okay, some days it's on hiatus. Actually, most days it feels like it's on hiatus. And the problem is that it makes me overly moody.. well, not that anyone can really tell but me and my husband. I guess I have the patience of Job, so when I get testy I act like a normal person. All in all that's a dealable side effect.
I can also handle the night sweats, the chills, hot flashes, the erratic libido, and the rest of the crap that comes with this. But there are two things that are driving me insane.
1. The insomnia. This is for the birds. Or zombies. Or evil dissidents, but it is NOT for me. I spent 36 hours without a wink and I thought I was going to hallucinate at one pint. I sat down to write my husband a not and when I tried to read it back it was gibberish. I tried everything in the house- melatonin, homeopathic sleep aids, chamomile teas, you name it (and I have most of it on hand because I grow a fairly full witch's/healing garden) So when I finally got enough sleep to feel safe enough to drive, I saw my doc and here I sit with a sleeping pill.. sure, I know, most of America has sleeping pill prescriptions, but I don't like it, and I don't want it, and it bugs the heck out of me.
2. The craving for a full house. This one hit me out of the blue.. I have always wanted to have a big family, but the truth is that now the more people in my home the happier I am. Long term, Short term, for visits, for study groups, my kids, visiting friends, you name it. It was like suddenly they took away my option to have more (and heavens knows we couldn't- it would've literally killed me) and I craved having more kids in the house. Strange but true. I guess I feel like I have a lot to offer, and I want to volunteer it. I know that I get a few weird looks for it- why would I want to spend my time and energy doing this stuff (like hosting study groups or offering to have sleepovers every weekend for my kids friends or inviting family or friends to stay for a couple weeks over the summer or the whole summer) especially since I don't ask for anything in return. But the truth is that for just a little while I feel like I have a huge family, and that is enough..
It's hard to describe, you know? Maybe this whole surgical experience and all the subsequent jacked up issues have pushed me even further towards facing my own mortality and I am simply trying to reach out and leave a mark in a positive way where I can.. I remember the people who did thinks like this for me, and I want to be an indelible memory like that should anything happen to me, sooner or later. I'd rather not sit back and vanish, when I can be remembered, and when I can give my kids a good example by showing them good interaction. It gives them a chance to spend time with people they, too, like/love, and want to be around. They get to be a part of something good, something memorable. And i get to watch them enjoy having people around them too..
But it gets expensive feeding all those mouths, and I could use some quiet time to clean. The problem is that when I am alone, I sit and think about how it's too quiet.
Silly menopause.
I had a hysterectomy done in February of this year, which left me with one confused ovary, which seems to not understand what it's job is. Somedays it works okay, some days it's on hiatus. Actually, most days it feels like it's on hiatus. And the problem is that it makes me overly moody.. well, not that anyone can really tell but me and my husband. I guess I have the patience of Job, so when I get testy I act like a normal person. All in all that's a dealable side effect.
I can also handle the night sweats, the chills, hot flashes, the erratic libido, and the rest of the crap that comes with this. But there are two things that are driving me insane.
1. The insomnia. This is for the birds. Or zombies. Or evil dissidents, but it is NOT for me. I spent 36 hours without a wink and I thought I was going to hallucinate at one pint. I sat down to write my husband a not and when I tried to read it back it was gibberish. I tried everything in the house- melatonin, homeopathic sleep aids, chamomile teas, you name it (and I have most of it on hand because I grow a fairly full witch's/healing garden) So when I finally got enough sleep to feel safe enough to drive, I saw my doc and here I sit with a sleeping pill.. sure, I know, most of America has sleeping pill prescriptions, but I don't like it, and I don't want it, and it bugs the heck out of me.
2. The craving for a full house. This one hit me out of the blue.. I have always wanted to have a big family, but the truth is that now the more people in my home the happier I am. Long term, Short term, for visits, for study groups, my kids, visiting friends, you name it. It was like suddenly they took away my option to have more (and heavens knows we couldn't- it would've literally killed me) and I craved having more kids in the house. Strange but true. I guess I feel like I have a lot to offer, and I want to volunteer it. I know that I get a few weird looks for it- why would I want to spend my time and energy doing this stuff (like hosting study groups or offering to have sleepovers every weekend for my kids friends or inviting family or friends to stay for a couple weeks over the summer or the whole summer) especially since I don't ask for anything in return. But the truth is that for just a little while I feel like I have a huge family, and that is enough..
It's hard to describe, you know? Maybe this whole surgical experience and all the subsequent jacked up issues have pushed me even further towards facing my own mortality and I am simply trying to reach out and leave a mark in a positive way where I can.. I remember the people who did thinks like this for me, and I want to be an indelible memory like that should anything happen to me, sooner or later. I'd rather not sit back and vanish, when I can be remembered, and when I can give my kids a good example by showing them good interaction. It gives them a chance to spend time with people they, too, like/love, and want to be around. They get to be a part of something good, something memorable. And i get to watch them enjoy having people around them too..
But it gets expensive feeding all those mouths, and I could use some quiet time to clean. The problem is that when I am alone, I sit and think about how it's too quiet.
Silly menopause.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Past infractions..
It's amazing how even 17 years after teh fact a person can be haunted by simple stupid things. I had a very bad personal experience in 1995, and I can still remember smells, sounds, words, everything in teh the background. I was reading a short story this afternoon and found myself in heaving sobs and tears because the writer quoted the song playing on teh radio at the moment I ... the point it that so many years after, and I thought it had passed and three lines from a song, typed out send me into a bad place. I hate this silly fear, this irrational breaking down.
I suppose it isn't just that, but stress does a number on a body.. and this was just one more straw that broke the camels back. And it makes me wonder how long a physical violation remains with a person- a whole lifetime maybe. That is a most frightening thought.
I suppose it isn't just that, but stress does a number on a body.. and this was just one more straw that broke the camels back. And it makes me wonder how long a physical violation remains with a person- a whole lifetime maybe. That is a most frightening thought.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Leaving.
Sitting in the dark
waiting for the shoe
that is bound to drop
heart pounding
pulse racing
streaks and trails
patterns of realization
that 50 or 60
will not be for me.
Could not be for me.
It is unjust
unfair, cruel
and yet i think
i would be happy.
granted more
in what I have
than most have dreamed
i dare not dream
for more.
but it pains me
to know that
i am first,
will be first
and I do not
want to go.
waiting for the shoe
that is bound to drop
heart pounding
pulse racing
streaks and trails
patterns of realization
that 50 or 60
will not be for me.
Could not be for me.
It is unjust
unfair, cruel
and yet i think
i would be happy.
granted more
in what I have
than most have dreamed
i dare not dream
for more.
but it pains me
to know that
i am first,
will be first
and I do not
want to go.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Cogito ergo sum.
Renee Descartes said 'I think therefore I am'.
I think that it sums up the person that I have become.. in all reality, I can't remember shit, and it isn't one of those haha jokes about 'Oh I have CRS disease, yeah, can't remember shit hahahaha'. No. Like actual neurological impairment to the point where the specialists agreed that my collegiate degree is crap because half of it is gone. Most of teh time. It comes back, on good days, when a good wind blows, in Asia, after a butterfly flaps it's wing 3 times, in teh light of a full moon. One of those things, you know? I spent 20 years working as a florist full or part time, and today I spent 10 minutes staring at a fucking flower in the front garden that *I* planted, because it's one of my favorites, and I couldn't remember the name. Not the scientific name (which I ALSO USED to know, as well as several varietal names) but the name. And I just now had to go down and look it up in a picture dictionary because I lost it again. Another 10 minutes. Hyacinth. 20 minutes wasted on Hyacinth. ARGH!!!
Knowledge defines me, the quest to learn is who I am... not just facts and tidbits but understanding, concepts, relationships between facts. It's what I live for, what I always have. I adore research. The quest to understand things turns me on. Literally- the receptors in my brain go wonky just learning things and it gives me a high- I can't imagine any better drug that figuring stuff out and making things click. Except maybe sex, but then, that's it's own learning experience when you find the one you love.. and a whole different story. Knowledge buzz versus orgasmic euphoria... But I digress.
The thing is, it still works, but then it's gone. I read the same passage two months ago, in preparation for novel I am struggling to write. I'm doing background research. I read it last year too. I understood it last year. I lost it. I read and understood it last month. Its gone again. I read and understood it again today, but I can guarantee that tomorrow it will be hazy and on teh way out again. I am slowly losing this knowlege and even things that were wrote memory, textx I could quote backwords and forwards without issue are suddenly just missing. But not always. Just most days. Memories are the same way.
Today at the grocery with my husbadn we went for lasagna noodles, gluten free of course, and I saw the little quinoa shells. Suddenly I remembered my mom's pasta salad from when I was a kid- hadn't been able to remember it in years.. I have seen those shells many times, seen the recipe, had other trigger memories, but not remembered the salad till today. Everything seems like that.
Interruped note- please pardon the typos- the tremors put my hands off today so my letters are getting backwords.
I started out wanting to write this entry about existing for knowledge, but in all reality the truth is that the only constant in my life is that I can't forget the desire to learn, or the feeling that comes with it- that craving addiction to seek out something I don't know/understand and get it answered. Well- that and the blissful feeling of accomplishment and sated completion that comes from actually learning something, getting that *click* of comprehension when a puzzle piece falls in place. I suppose all I have done is whine a bit but I swear that wasn't the goal.. I think I derailed and got frustrated along teh way. But in the end, I am happy- because the whole thing leads me to the understanding that I am frustrated with it, and needed to vent- and its good to get it out, and understand yourself, and *zing* there comes that good feeling :)
I think that it sums up the person that I have become.. in all reality, I can't remember shit, and it isn't one of those haha jokes about 'Oh I have CRS disease, yeah, can't remember shit hahahaha'. No. Like actual neurological impairment to the point where the specialists agreed that my collegiate degree is crap because half of it is gone. Most of teh time. It comes back, on good days, when a good wind blows, in Asia, after a butterfly flaps it's wing 3 times, in teh light of a full moon. One of those things, you know? I spent 20 years working as a florist full or part time, and today I spent 10 minutes staring at a fucking flower in the front garden that *I* planted, because it's one of my favorites, and I couldn't remember the name. Not the scientific name (which I ALSO USED to know, as well as several varietal names) but the name. And I just now had to go down and look it up in a picture dictionary because I lost it again. Another 10 minutes. Hyacinth. 20 minutes wasted on Hyacinth. ARGH!!!
Knowledge defines me, the quest to learn is who I am... not just facts and tidbits but understanding, concepts, relationships between facts. It's what I live for, what I always have. I adore research. The quest to understand things turns me on. Literally- the receptors in my brain go wonky just learning things and it gives me a high- I can't imagine any better drug that figuring stuff out and making things click. Except maybe sex, but then, that's it's own learning experience when you find the one you love.. and a whole different story. Knowledge buzz versus orgasmic euphoria... But I digress.
The thing is, it still works, but then it's gone. I read the same passage two months ago, in preparation for novel I am struggling to write. I'm doing background research. I read it last year too. I understood it last year. I lost it. I read and understood it last month. Its gone again. I read and understood it again today, but I can guarantee that tomorrow it will be hazy and on teh way out again. I am slowly losing this knowlege and even things that were wrote memory, textx I could quote backwords and forwards without issue are suddenly just missing. But not always. Just most days. Memories are the same way.
Today at the grocery with my husbadn we went for lasagna noodles, gluten free of course, and I saw the little quinoa shells. Suddenly I remembered my mom's pasta salad from when I was a kid- hadn't been able to remember it in years.. I have seen those shells many times, seen the recipe, had other trigger memories, but not remembered the salad till today. Everything seems like that.
Interruped note- please pardon the typos- the tremors put my hands off today so my letters are getting backwords.
I started out wanting to write this entry about existing for knowledge, but in all reality the truth is that the only constant in my life is that I can't forget the desire to learn, or the feeling that comes with it- that craving addiction to seek out something I don't know/understand and get it answered. Well- that and the blissful feeling of accomplishment and sated completion that comes from actually learning something, getting that *click* of comprehension when a puzzle piece falls in place. I suppose all I have done is whine a bit but I swear that wasn't the goal.. I think I derailed and got frustrated along teh way. But in the end, I am happy- because the whole thing leads me to the understanding that I am frustrated with it, and needed to vent- and its good to get it out, and understand yourself, and *zing* there comes that good feeling :)
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Handfasting... cord ceremony
I was reading a really fabulous short story recently and there was a bit about a handfasting/soul bonding ritual in it. It was told 3rd person perspective and so all the parts aren't quite there, so I am working with this to round it out, but so far, here is what I have.. will just keep editing teh post as I am able till I get it rounded out. Thanks much to Cheryl D for some of the wording and the concept and the whole idea really.. (write more woman!)
This ritual can be done as part of a traditional ceremony or a tantric ceremony or a renewal I would think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Beginning)
Partners make an ogham or runic or knotwork that is important to the couple on the palm of the hands to be joined. Each partner draws for the other- a man draws for his wife and she draws for him. They can select to have something unique drawn on them, or both the same. Then they place the left hand palm together with their beloved, to begin the bonding ceremony.
Are you fully cognizant of the meaning of the ceremony in which you are about to partake?
(both answer) I am.
Are you aware that the words spoken today shall create a bond between us that cannot be broken, save by death?
(both answer) I am.
Do you, therefore, seek to enter this bond of your own free will?
(both answer) I do.
I think partners taking alternate turns to wraps each cord around their joined wrists would work best so that the dialogue is shared. Working on finishing out the dialogue and colors and so forth.. The other option is to each hold one end and bind it round while speaking together.
(Gold cord) By this cord do I bind our spirits as one. May our lives be blessed with the virile energy of the sun, and our unity overseen by the powers of light. By this cord do I add my energy to yours.”
(Silver cord) By this cord to I bind our spirits as one. May our lives be blessed with the purity of the moon, and with the creativity and love symbolized by its silvery light. By this cord do I add my love to yours.
(Black cord) By this cord do I bind our spirits as one. May it grant us the wisdom to overcome negativity and banish evil. By this cord do I add my wisdom to yours.
green (May it grant us luck and success)
blue (May it grant us patience and tranquility—Draco nearly laughed aloud at that one, and Harry gave him a warning glare, although his lips twitched); and finally
red (May it infuse us with strength and passion for the rest of our days).
The knots of this binding are formed by the vows we have spoken, and shall not be severed even after the cords are removed
By this final symbol, I join myself to you,__________________.
Mind to mind, heart to heart, hand to hand, soul to soul, I bind myself to you with this.
(exchange 1st ring)
By this final symbol, I join myself to you,__________________.
Mind to mind, heart to heart, hand to hand, soul to soul, I bind myself to you with this.
(exchange 2nd ring)
So mote it be
(seal with a ceremonial kiss)
This ritual can be done as part of a traditional ceremony or a tantric ceremony or a renewal I would think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Beginning)
Partners make an ogham or runic or knotwork that is important to the couple on the palm of the hands to be joined. Each partner draws for the other- a man draws for his wife and she draws for him. They can select to have something unique drawn on them, or both the same. Then they place the left hand palm together with their beloved, to begin the bonding ceremony.
Are you fully cognizant of the meaning of the ceremony in which you are about to partake?
(both answer) I am.
Are you aware that the words spoken today shall create a bond between us that cannot be broken, save by death?
(both answer) I am.
Do you, therefore, seek to enter this bond of your own free will?
(both answer) I do.
I think partners taking alternate turns to wraps each cord around their joined wrists would work best so that the dialogue is shared. Working on finishing out the dialogue and colors and so forth.. The other option is to each hold one end and bind it round while speaking together.
(Gold cord) By this cord do I bind our spirits as one. May our lives be blessed with the virile energy of the sun, and our unity overseen by the powers of light. By this cord do I add my energy to yours.”
(Silver cord) By this cord to I bind our spirits as one. May our lives be blessed with the purity of the moon, and with the creativity and love symbolized by its silvery light. By this cord do I add my love to yours.
(Black cord) By this cord do I bind our spirits as one. May it grant us the wisdom to overcome negativity and banish evil. By this cord do I add my wisdom to yours.
green (May it grant us luck and success)
blue (May it grant us patience and tranquility—Draco nearly laughed aloud at that one, and Harry gave him a warning glare, although his lips twitched); and finally
red (May it infuse us with strength and passion for the rest of our days).
The knots of this binding are formed by the vows we have spoken, and shall not be severed even after the cords are removed
By this final symbol, I join myself to you,__________________.
Mind to mind, heart to heart, hand to hand, soul to soul, I bind myself to you with this.
(exchange 1st ring)
By this final symbol, I join myself to you,__________________.
Mind to mind, heart to heart, hand to hand, soul to soul, I bind myself to you with this.
(exchange 2nd ring)
So mote it be
(seal with a ceremonial kiss)
Got no titles, insomnia sucked out my brains. OR Minor dissertation on Harry potter Psyche types in real life situations
Okay boys, girls and homo reptilians, it's time for nobodies' favorite blog, this one *chuckle* I suppose it's more like my late night, can't sleep, expound upon what is in my big old head before it flits elsewhere, yeah? Beware, there is cursing. Um. Fuck yeah. Mostly just because I am tired and my brain is trying to shut down but is currently in blue screen mode (so yeah, not cool) but cannot yet shut down OR reboot.
Onwards. Manythings. But this one has been there a while.
I get picked on for being a drarry fan.. mostly by my kids.. and yes you probably say, ewww old enough to have kids (not that old really, thank you), but I rather like the older fics where they are late 20s and 30's and build on the whole jungle of character growth set before them in Rowling's books, and then some. Sometimes with the epilogues, usually without. But here is why: I see myself in Draco, a LOT. And I see my husband in Harry a LOT. Yes, I realize Daniel Radcliffe has a nice ass, and so does my dear dh but that is about where the similarities end there.. I mean character wise. And not on the base levels of he had money, or he had fame, but of the dynamics in the households..
So here goes.. at least in my head.
Draco grew up in a household where the dad was a controlling, manipulative follower (interesting juxtaposition that), who was obsessed by madness (in this case in the form of the Dark Lord). That pretty much has my father in one there- only the madness is his own... There are so many parallels between the character that is Lucius and the man that is my father- Voldemort was a madness unto his own, my father's madness is in his own head, and he makes himself forget its there when he wants (convenient, eh, self- obliviation of that manic-depressive disorder and bipolar and anger/violence issues) Syrup drips from their lips when they want it to, but they are absolutely vindictive and cutting with their words when they choose to be. They can offer up their families to evil bits and think its a good thing. They can twist and warp the truth of the world to what they see it to be. They can physically and mentally torture with the best of them. Minor differences- cane and wand versus belts and switches. You say potato, I say, oh wait, potato.
I think my husband is much like Harry- he got the good initial start in life- I won't say that his parents are James and Lily- but they are good working class honest people, who taught him well. And he is a hell of a man. He showed up as my hero from day one, always rushing in to save me, always brave, always figuring out the next adventure- and believe me they never end- seven books has NOTHING on us.. He always pulls it out at the last minute, figuring out a solution or finding an answer or saving my day. Though I think he's got Hermione's brains and maybe Snape's wit, but that's neither here nor there. The POINT is, that he is that indelible character in my life, that always wins, always figures the clues out, and still has the biggest heart and soul at the end of the day. He's like.. true love (I know another reference, but it bears mention.. ) not even death can stop him.
No final battles here though, just good old hubby (and sometimes the in laws) kickin' some ass and saying enough, get out of my house, leave my family alone, which in my mind, really, is equivalent to a nice fat expelliarmus. Doesn't hurt to throw in a restraining order or two- not as savvy as a ward, but it works better than a poke in the eye.
I think maybe the reason I like to read this stuff is that they wind up okay in the end- the death, destruction, torture, pain, everything they see and live through, in the end they wind up coming through it and surviving. I tend to pick out the stories that pitt them together as eventual friends, or companions, because in the end, that's what everyone wants I think- all the crap burned away from us, the chaff gone, cleansed, and to have the hero standing there offering us maybe not the hand up but a hand in friendship in the aftermath. Someone to say, I get it, after the fit has all hit the shan, the chips have fallen, and the cleanup is underway.
In the end I guess that means no matter how many times I have fucked things up, how much my father has jacked EVERYONE's lives up and how much pain he's wrought just because he's an asshat and can make the hero give up. None of that cane take away the inevitable ending that the hero (that would be dh, because he is fabulousness on two legs) and the miserable un-hero (that's me, because I am surely nowhere near a hero) wind up in some kind of balance that leaves the hero happier in the end, and the un-hero, much better knowing the hero- happy, but redeemed. And not just Ah, shake hands, move on, teeny bopper fan child happy happy fiction endings sort of things.. but adult, I-am-really-putting-effort-in-thing-for-the-long-haul kind of things. REAL things, not Hollywood. Or Scholastic, or whatever.
Now then, that my brain has properly deflated somewhat, I am going to go have naughty dreams, and not think about this particular train of thought any longer. Vanquished are you, train of thought.. choo-chooooooooooo.
Ha. I'm funny when I'm sleep deprived.... okay, not really.
Onwards. Manythings. But this one has been there a while.
I get picked on for being a drarry fan.. mostly by my kids.. and yes you probably say, ewww old enough to have kids (not that old really, thank you), but I rather like the older fics where they are late 20s and 30's and build on the whole jungle of character growth set before them in Rowling's books, and then some. Sometimes with the epilogues, usually without. But here is why: I see myself in Draco, a LOT. And I see my husband in Harry a LOT. Yes, I realize Daniel Radcliffe has a nice ass, and so does my dear dh but that is about where the similarities end there.. I mean character wise. And not on the base levels of he had money, or he had fame, but of the dynamics in the households..
So here goes.. at least in my head.
Draco grew up in a household where the dad was a controlling, manipulative follower (interesting juxtaposition that), who was obsessed by madness (in this case in the form of the Dark Lord). That pretty much has my father in one there- only the madness is his own... There are so many parallels between the character that is Lucius and the man that is my father- Voldemort was a madness unto his own, my father's madness is in his own head, and he makes himself forget its there when he wants (convenient, eh, self- obliviation of that manic-depressive disorder and bipolar and anger/violence issues) Syrup drips from their lips when they want it to, but they are absolutely vindictive and cutting with their words when they choose to be. They can offer up their families to evil bits and think its a good thing. They can twist and warp the truth of the world to what they see it to be. They can physically and mentally torture with the best of them. Minor differences- cane and wand versus belts and switches. You say potato, I say, oh wait, potato.
I think my husband is much like Harry- he got the good initial start in life- I won't say that his parents are James and Lily- but they are good working class honest people, who taught him well. And he is a hell of a man. He showed up as my hero from day one, always rushing in to save me, always brave, always figuring out the next adventure- and believe me they never end- seven books has NOTHING on us.. He always pulls it out at the last minute, figuring out a solution or finding an answer or saving my day. Though I think he's got Hermione's brains and maybe Snape's wit, but that's neither here nor there. The POINT is, that he is that indelible character in my life, that always wins, always figures the clues out, and still has the biggest heart and soul at the end of the day. He's like.. true love (I know another reference, but it bears mention.. ) not even death can stop him.
No final battles here though, just good old hubby (and sometimes the in laws) kickin' some ass and saying enough, get out of my house, leave my family alone, which in my mind, really, is equivalent to a nice fat expelliarmus. Doesn't hurt to throw in a restraining order or two- not as savvy as a ward, but it works better than a poke in the eye.
I think maybe the reason I like to read this stuff is that they wind up okay in the end- the death, destruction, torture, pain, everything they see and live through, in the end they wind up coming through it and surviving. I tend to pick out the stories that pitt them together as eventual friends, or companions, because in the end, that's what everyone wants I think- all the crap burned away from us, the chaff gone, cleansed, and to have the hero standing there offering us maybe not the hand up but a hand in friendship in the aftermath. Someone to say, I get it, after the fit has all hit the shan, the chips have fallen, and the cleanup is underway.
In the end I guess that means no matter how many times I have fucked things up, how much my father has jacked EVERYONE's lives up and how much pain he's wrought just because he's an asshat and can make the hero give up. None of that cane take away the inevitable ending that the hero (that would be dh, because he is fabulousness on two legs) and the miserable un-hero (that's me, because I am surely nowhere near a hero) wind up in some kind of balance that leaves the hero happier in the end, and the un-hero, much better knowing the hero- happy, but redeemed. And not just Ah, shake hands, move on, teeny bopper fan child happy happy fiction endings sort of things.. but adult, I-am-really-putting-effort-in-thing-for-the-long-haul kind of things. REAL things, not Hollywood. Or Scholastic, or whatever.
Now then, that my brain has properly deflated somewhat, I am going to go have naughty dreams, and not think about this particular train of thought any longer. Vanquished are you, train of thought.. choo-chooooooooooo.
Ha. I'm funny when I'm sleep deprived.... okay, not really.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Of Harry Potter... and things.
My kids love video games and serial stories and fan fictions that go along with them. I do too.. well.. more the serial stories and anime and fan fictions that follow. I think that in such things we identify with characters that we are like, who become so much more that we are, who become maybe even more than we aspire to be.
I like reading Harry Potter fan fiction personally.. can't get enough. And my girls tease me- I love reading Harry Draco pairings, usually where they get married off to good wives, have kids, families, live well, and then come their 30's they have a revelation that says 'hey, we are too grown up to hate like school boys' It usually involves a romeo and Juliet style relationship between two or their kids, and they have to figure out how not to be assholes (pardon the term, but it suites.) And they wind up being friends. I really like seeing people grow up and figure out how to be friends.
But the one person who has all my attention in the story, who I feel the most like, is Neville Longbottom. He is such a mess most of the time, forgets everything, flounders around, gets picked on, is a little butterball growing up, and just out of place. I don't even have to imagine ANY of that, it was so me. Still is a lot of days. But he falls into a passionate love affair with botany (again, I get that.) He is loyal and giving and faithful and when the screws are turned he works so hard to be strong. He is brave and true, he gives so much of himself and is shocked when he gets any reward or notice for it. He sets up the final kill perfectly, and without him victory wouldn't be possible. But he isn't really the victor..
He grows up to marry and have kids and live quietly, and do quietly and be quietly and just exist really. That's how it seems.. and maybe that's how I identify. I'm not the one who makes the bucks or does the amazing things or faces the demons, but I support the man who does. I can be burned and tortured and thrown into horrid situations over and over again and still I won't break and I won't yield because if I do then my hero might not make it through, and that is unacceptable. So I stand, quietly, loyally, patiently, supporting, living, doing what I can, unnoticed most of the time, but I don't mind. It's not about the recognition, it's about the result- and THAT is heroic.
I think that at this moment the greatest thing I can think to do is thank my hero, for being who he is, for giving me the desire to be who I am for him. And no, he doesn't dictate who I am, so read it like this- he inspires me to be more, do more, and feel more. He gave me more of his own free will, and in return I want to give more back, not because I HAVE to but because I WANT to. I think that is the beauty of a real partnership- he helps me want to be a better person for myself, and for him, because if I am better we work together better and can do so much more together. And that is a truly beautiful thing.
I like reading Harry Potter fan fiction personally.. can't get enough. And my girls tease me- I love reading Harry Draco pairings, usually where they get married off to good wives, have kids, families, live well, and then come their 30's they have a revelation that says 'hey, we are too grown up to hate like school boys' It usually involves a romeo and Juliet style relationship between two or their kids, and they have to figure out how not to be assholes (pardon the term, but it suites.) And they wind up being friends. I really like seeing people grow up and figure out how to be friends.
But the one person who has all my attention in the story, who I feel the most like, is Neville Longbottom. He is such a mess most of the time, forgets everything, flounders around, gets picked on, is a little butterball growing up, and just out of place. I don't even have to imagine ANY of that, it was so me. Still is a lot of days. But he falls into a passionate love affair with botany (again, I get that.) He is loyal and giving and faithful and when the screws are turned he works so hard to be strong. He is brave and true, he gives so much of himself and is shocked when he gets any reward or notice for it. He sets up the final kill perfectly, and without him victory wouldn't be possible. But he isn't really the victor..
He grows up to marry and have kids and live quietly, and do quietly and be quietly and just exist really. That's how it seems.. and maybe that's how I identify. I'm not the one who makes the bucks or does the amazing things or faces the demons, but I support the man who does. I can be burned and tortured and thrown into horrid situations over and over again and still I won't break and I won't yield because if I do then my hero might not make it through, and that is unacceptable. So I stand, quietly, loyally, patiently, supporting, living, doing what I can, unnoticed most of the time, but I don't mind. It's not about the recognition, it's about the result- and THAT is heroic.
I think that at this moment the greatest thing I can think to do is thank my hero, for being who he is, for giving me the desire to be who I am for him. And no, he doesn't dictate who I am, so read it like this- he inspires me to be more, do more, and feel more. He gave me more of his own free will, and in return I want to give more back, not because I HAVE to but because I WANT to. I think that is the beauty of a real partnership- he helps me want to be a better person for myself, and for him, because if I am better we work together better and can do so much more together. And that is a truly beautiful thing.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Potato Soup
5 lg potatoes, diced
1 can evaporated milk
2 cans chicken broth
3 c water
1 box cream cheese
4 oz heavy cream
salt
pepper
top with bacon, cheddar cheese, sour cream
Stir potatoes, water, seasonings, broth, and evaporated milk together. Simmer till potatoes mushy (but not completely creamed so you have lumpy texture). Then add cream cheese and cream. Mix and heat thoroughly. Serve and add toppings.
1 can evaporated milk
2 cans chicken broth
3 c water
1 box cream cheese
4 oz heavy cream
salt
pepper
top with bacon, cheddar cheese, sour cream
Stir potatoes, water, seasonings, broth, and evaporated milk together. Simmer till potatoes mushy (but not completely creamed so you have lumpy texture). Then add cream cheese and cream. Mix and heat thoroughly. Serve and add toppings.
Friday, February 24, 2012
...
Music in me
Music in me
flowing like a heart beat
wrapped around my soul
like ribbon dripped in sleet.
Connections drive me
pull me in
gather me up
like wages of sin.
Louder the bass
beat beat boom
slams my conciousness
all around the room
bodies amplify
the sound forever
switched me on
like throwing a lever.
Control is a mistress
a powerful ghost,
I know you get that,
can't say that for most.
Sliding across
sweat slick skin
give me your dime,
I might let you in.
copyright 2012
Music in me
flowing like a heart beat
wrapped around my soul
like ribbon dripped in sleet.
Connections drive me
pull me in
gather me up
like wages of sin.
Louder the bass
beat beat boom
slams my conciousness
all around the room
bodies amplify
the sound forever
switched me on
like throwing a lever.
Control is a mistress
a powerful ghost,
I know you get that,
can't say that for most.
Sliding across
sweat slick skin
give me your dime,
I might let you in.
copyright 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Snowed in..
I never thought that I would look on 6 inches or so of snow as incapacitating, but really it grinds everything here to a halt. I am spoiled I think, used to 2 or 3 feet of snow at once, good wet lake effectsnow. I am used to sheeting freezing rain, that coats the world in 2 inches of solid ice. I am used to power outages that last days to 2 weeks, till they get the grid on line. This, this is nothing. And yet..
There was an article on NPR analyzing if WA peoples are wimps when it comes to snow.. not really I think. Mostly because they simply don't really have the experience with it that we do- in 5 years here, there has been less snow cumulatively than in half a season back in the upper midwest. This is bupkiss, nothing, puny. But for WA, it's enough (well except for in the mountains, where its hellacious right now- like 2 feet in 48 hours or something.)
I wish we got more, but then I wish that they were better at caring for the roads here. I saw a plow once, just once, no sand, no brine, nothing. Just scraping off the snow to reveal the black ice below.. so I guess till it melts in a couple days we'll just hole up here. Not like it hasn't caused school to be cancelled completely anyhow.
There was an article on NPR analyzing if WA peoples are wimps when it comes to snow.. not really I think. Mostly because they simply don't really have the experience with it that we do- in 5 years here, there has been less snow cumulatively than in half a season back in the upper midwest. This is bupkiss, nothing, puny. But for WA, it's enough (well except for in the mountains, where its hellacious right now- like 2 feet in 48 hours or something.)
I wish we got more, but then I wish that they were better at caring for the roads here. I saw a plow once, just once, no sand, no brine, nothing. Just scraping off the snow to reveal the black ice below.. so I guess till it melts in a couple days we'll just hole up here. Not like it hasn't caused school to be cancelled completely anyhow.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Golly jeepers...
I haven't posted anything in a while *sigh* Life is too busy, things get to hectic, holidays, deployments, school, life.
It's the first year in 13 that I haven't had a little person at home whenever I am- the joy of spacing kids out I guess. I do love being a mom, it's a blessed thing, a beautiful thing. It's inspirational really, to see that little piece of you and your lover growing up, becoming their own person, setting forth into the wide world, even if it's only a few steps from your door. But school comes, and they go, and I sat alone for the first time in a long while, with a few uninterrupted hours to myself. I don't think I have ever really had that, you know.. I went to school myself, then to college, then got married and worked then had kids, and never a break in between. There is always something to do- a chore, an errand, a project SOMETHING that needs attended when they are busy without me. But now- almost daily, I get a few hours of quiet. And you know it's amazing what you can find in those few hours- I started to discover something- me.
I forgot that reading is nearly orgasmic when you find the right work. I can read Keats out loud in the living room, filled with inflection and passion, and nobody fusses that I interrupted Backyardigans. I can read porn and just enjoy the shiver I get and imagine my husband's lips on my neck, and it is sheer bliss. I can read an article about the latest development in gene therapy for a rare endocrine disorder that I studied 10 years ago. I can read a blog about a mom who makes her own pasta with gluten free flours, complete with photos of her kitchen aid in said pasta making process.
And then I can go make that pasta myself! I can eat a ridiculously frou-frou dish, that I made just one of, because heaven help me should I try to feed it to a kid in my house. I can watch a movie and spend 2 hours crocheting while I do. I can take a nap. I can spend 2 hours in the garden playing with worms and dirt and baby plants. I can go to the market, and take my time, because there are no kids complaining that it's boring 10 minutes in. I can sit down and work on the novel I have told myself I should pen for years. I can take a shower for an hour and drain the hot water, turn into a prune and drip dry without having to break up a fight down the hall. I can drink a cup of tea, and eat a cookie that isn't really a cookie but a digestive, and not worry about sharing with anyone who will spit it out 3 seconds later. I can re-read a German textbook, and remember some of the stuff I spent all my studying focused on. I can write notes to my husband, and imagine all the glorious things we can do in our downtime, and when we're retired. I can replace the kitchen curtains with something I made myself, because I want to. I can take a toothbrush and clean in between all the rungs on the dining room chairs with dish soap. I can replace the ignition switch in the van, or the heater coil in the dryer BY MYSELF. I can take a lunch of only coffee and creme brulee and read whilst doing so, in a restaurant, with no crayons or paper mats but real linens instead. I can drive across base and pick my husband up for lunch when he calls and says I only have 30 minutes, are you free? I can draw and sketch tattoos for me, for him, for others. I can make patterns and build costumes for my family, and make them fabulous. I can play with make-up and put it on 15 times because lord knows i suck at it and need practice. I can take a walk and just exist. I can do yoga, and stretch and crack my back without someone trying to kick me in the head doing the same move. I can go to the doctor without paying a sitter, and sit and cry with the results without worrying that every minute spent in the parking lot is another however much money.
I know, I know.. most of this a person can do with tots in tow, but the thing is, I think we sometimes get so wrapped up in it that we forget who we are and that we can do this stuff. I know that I did. I was trying so hard to be the best of this, the best of that, involved in everything, that I forgot to really be me. I honestly don't think I knew who I was to begin with. Now, older, wiser, more experienced and definitely more weathered, I have started to see those pieces of myself, like a gilded butterfly, emerging form a cocoon. Maybe it's more like a cicada- warts and all, taking forever to emerge, and driving the world mad, but living in glorious vibrancy when it finally arrives. I think perhaps that's it.. a cicada.
It's the first year in 13 that I haven't had a little person at home whenever I am- the joy of spacing kids out I guess. I do love being a mom, it's a blessed thing, a beautiful thing. It's inspirational really, to see that little piece of you and your lover growing up, becoming their own person, setting forth into the wide world, even if it's only a few steps from your door. But school comes, and they go, and I sat alone for the first time in a long while, with a few uninterrupted hours to myself. I don't think I have ever really had that, you know.. I went to school myself, then to college, then got married and worked then had kids, and never a break in between. There is always something to do- a chore, an errand, a project SOMETHING that needs attended when they are busy without me. But now- almost daily, I get a few hours of quiet. And you know it's amazing what you can find in those few hours- I started to discover something- me.
I forgot that reading is nearly orgasmic when you find the right work. I can read Keats out loud in the living room, filled with inflection and passion, and nobody fusses that I interrupted Backyardigans. I can read porn and just enjoy the shiver I get and imagine my husband's lips on my neck, and it is sheer bliss. I can read an article about the latest development in gene therapy for a rare endocrine disorder that I studied 10 years ago. I can read a blog about a mom who makes her own pasta with gluten free flours, complete with photos of her kitchen aid in said pasta making process.
And then I can go make that pasta myself! I can eat a ridiculously frou-frou dish, that I made just one of, because heaven help me should I try to feed it to a kid in my house. I can watch a movie and spend 2 hours crocheting while I do. I can take a nap. I can spend 2 hours in the garden playing with worms and dirt and baby plants. I can go to the market, and take my time, because there are no kids complaining that it's boring 10 minutes in. I can sit down and work on the novel I have told myself I should pen for years. I can take a shower for an hour and drain the hot water, turn into a prune and drip dry without having to break up a fight down the hall. I can drink a cup of tea, and eat a cookie that isn't really a cookie but a digestive, and not worry about sharing with anyone who will spit it out 3 seconds later. I can re-read a German textbook, and remember some of the stuff I spent all my studying focused on. I can write notes to my husband, and imagine all the glorious things we can do in our downtime, and when we're retired. I can replace the kitchen curtains with something I made myself, because I want to. I can take a toothbrush and clean in between all the rungs on the dining room chairs with dish soap. I can replace the ignition switch in the van, or the heater coil in the dryer BY MYSELF. I can take a lunch of only coffee and creme brulee and read whilst doing so, in a restaurant, with no crayons or paper mats but real linens instead. I can drive across base and pick my husband up for lunch when he calls and says I only have 30 minutes, are you free? I can draw and sketch tattoos for me, for him, for others. I can make patterns and build costumes for my family, and make them fabulous. I can play with make-up and put it on 15 times because lord knows i suck at it and need practice. I can take a walk and just exist. I can do yoga, and stretch and crack my back without someone trying to kick me in the head doing the same move. I can go to the doctor without paying a sitter, and sit and cry with the results without worrying that every minute spent in the parking lot is another however much money.
I know, I know.. most of this a person can do with tots in tow, but the thing is, I think we sometimes get so wrapped up in it that we forget who we are and that we can do this stuff. I know that I did. I was trying so hard to be the best of this, the best of that, involved in everything, that I forgot to really be me. I honestly don't think I knew who I was to begin with. Now, older, wiser, more experienced and definitely more weathered, I have started to see those pieces of myself, like a gilded butterfly, emerging form a cocoon. Maybe it's more like a cicada- warts and all, taking forever to emerge, and driving the world mad, but living in glorious vibrancy when it finally arrives. I think perhaps that's it.. a cicada.
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