Golly jeepers...

I haven't posted anything in a while *sigh* Life is too busy, things get to hectic, holidays, deployments, school, life.

It's the first year in 13 that I haven't had a little person at home whenever I am- the joy of spacing kids out I guess. I do love being a mom, it's a blessed thing, a beautiful thing. It's inspirational really, to see that little piece of you and your lover growing up, becoming their own person, setting forth into the wide world, even if it's only a few steps from your door. But school comes, and they go, and I sat alone for the first time in a long while, with a few uninterrupted hours to myself. I don't  think I have ever really had that, you know.. I went to school myself, then to college, then got married and worked then had kids, and never a break in between. There is always something to do- a chore, an errand, a project SOMETHING that needs attended when they are busy without me. But now- almost daily, I get a few hours of quiet. And you know it's amazing what you can find in those few hours- I started to discover something- me.

I forgot that reading is nearly orgasmic when you find the right work. I can read Keats out loud in the living room, filled with inflection and passion, and nobody fusses that I interrupted Backyardigans. I can read porn and just enjoy the shiver I get and imagine my husband's lips on my neck, and it is sheer bliss. I can read an article about the latest development in gene therapy for a rare endocrine disorder  that I studied 10 years ago. I can read a blog about a mom who makes her own pasta with gluten free flours, complete with photos of her kitchen aid in said pasta making process.

And then I can go make that pasta myself! I can eat a ridiculously frou-frou dish, that I made just one of, because heaven help me should I try to feed it to a kid in my house. I can watch a movie and spend 2 hours crocheting while I do. I can take a nap. I can spend 2 hours in the garden playing with worms and dirt and baby plants. I can go to the market, and take my time, because  there are no kids complaining that it's boring 10 minutes in. I can sit down and work on the novel I have told myself I should pen for years. I can take a shower for an hour and drain the hot water, turn into a prune and drip dry without having to break up a fight down the hall. I can drink a cup of tea, and eat a cookie that isn't really a cookie but a digestive, and not worry about sharing with anyone who will spit it out 3 seconds later. I can re-read a German textbook, and remember some of the stuff I spent all my studying focused on. I can write notes to my husband, and imagine all the glorious things  we can do in our downtime, and when we're retired. I can replace the kitchen curtains with something I made myself, because I want to. I can take a toothbrush and clean in between all the rungs on the dining room chairs with dish soap. I can replace the ignition switch in the van, or the heater coil in the dryer BY MYSELF. I can take a lunch of only coffee and creme brulee and read whilst doing so, in a restaurant, with no crayons or paper mats but real linens instead. I can drive across base and pick my husband up for lunch when he calls and says I only have 30 minutes, are you free? I can draw and sketch tattoos for me, for him, for others. I can make patterns and build costumes for my family, and make them fabulous. I can play with make-up and put it on 15 times because lord knows i suck at it and need practice. I can take a walk and just exist. I can do yoga, and stretch and crack my back without someone trying to kick me in the head doing  the same move. I can go to the doctor without paying a sitter, and sit and cry with the results without worrying that every minute spent in the parking lot is another however much money.

I know, I know.. most of this a person can do with tots in tow, but the thing is, I think we sometimes get so wrapped up in it that we forget who we are and that we can do this stuff. I know that I did. I was trying so hard to be the best of this, the best of that, involved in everything, that I forgot to really be me. I honestly don't think I knew who I was to begin with. Now, older,  wiser, more experienced and definitely more weathered, I have started to see  those pieces of myself, like a gilded butterfly, emerging form a cocoon. Maybe it's more like a cicada- warts and all, taking forever to emerge, and driving the world mad, but living in glorious vibrancy when it finally arrives. I think perhaps that's it.. a cicada.